Whiskey Dreams Hurt the Most
by day-or-knight
Summary: Linstead AU. Inspired by 3x17
1. Chapter 1

**Linstead AU. Heavily inspired by 3x17 aka the episode that has ruined my life. Let me know what you think/drop me a review:) Forewarning you that tissues may be required. _Italics_ are flashbacks. Hope y'all enjoy.**

 **As always, this is for entertainment purposes, somethings may not be correct... i own nothing, yadayadayada.**

* * *

A lone piece of dark wood sits upon a pedestal, flowers surround the glossed lumber while an American flag is draped over and hanging effortlessly. The air is warmer than the last time they were here, with the smell of fresh cut grass filling the air, and the sound of traffic passing in the distance could be heard as it was so quiet you could hear a pen drop.

Erin was leaned up against Voight's Cadillac, her tousled hair fell down to her shoulders and in front of her face. She pulled the leather jacket she was wearing, around her body a little tighter, reaching into one of the outside pockets, pulling out the mini bottle of Jack she had stashed away, one of a few she had on her. She twisted the cap off with a shaky hand, grimacing as the small movement pulled at the stiches, knocking the bottle of the hard liquor back, downing it in one swallow. Her shoulders and head fell forward as she let out a low laugh, the alcohol she had before arriving to the cemetery, began taking its effect.

"Erin." a gravely voice said as he placed his hand onto her shoulder. "it's time."

Erin let out another low laugh "No Hank, it will never be time." She told him as she straightened up, and pushed her Ray-Bans back up her nose, lightly touching the gash being held together by glue as she pushed the hair out of her face. She looped her arm through Voights, and stumbled her way across the grass, Voight holding her up all the way.

"Where were you last night?" Voight inquired, worry and fear lacing his voice making it an octave lower than normal.

"Out." She drunkenly laughed causing her to trip over her own two feet.

Voight shot her a glance, that just telling him 'I was out' was not going to cut it.

"I was at our apartment. I wanted to see Jay." She told him, sounding sober for the moment.

"Erin…"

"No, don't you dare 'Erin' me Hank, I don't want you feeling sympathetic for me. This was my fault and we both know it." Erin hissed as her eyes glossed over with a fresh batch of tears threatening to fall.

Voight bit his tongue and held back the words that threatened to come out, he knew that arguing with her was a losing battle, especially when Erin was drunk.

They walked closer towards the waiting procession, but Erin slowed and turned around at the sound of footsteps she now noticed following behind them. The sight of most of the team following in their dress blues behind her made her throat dry and her hands itch to reach into her pocket and grab another glass bottle, willing the liquid to take away the pain, to take away the memories.

Alvin was walking with his head hung low, staring at the ground as he walked, deep in thought; Antonio was staring ahead, judging by the dark bags hanging under his eyes, he hadn't slept in days; Adam was a few steps back, the stagger in his step told her he was just as drunk as she was; Kevin was walking with precision, his hands hanging down by his side, walking in a straight line as if he was marching for the military, but you could see the emotional battle that was written on his face; Kim and Sean brought up the rear, Kim's tear stained and flush cheeks was almost a sight for sore eyes; Sean was his typical 'in control of his emotions' self, showing no emotion, which strangely brought a small smile to Erin's lips.

The grounds were full of people, firefighters from Firehouse Fifty-One, other officers not only from the district and Chicago but from across the country, coming from coast to coast, numerous doctors and nurses from Med, and lastly his fellow brothers in arms, the remaining few that survived from their unit anyways, and a few others that had come to pay their respects for the fallen Soldier, Detective and Friend. But there was one person that was missing among the crowd, the person besides Erin and Will that knew him the best, that knew his deepest darkest demons and haunts of his past.

The crowd was asked to take their seats, Intelligence and family being sat on the front row, Voight was leading Erin to her seat when a tap on her shoulder stopped them both in their tracks. Her stomach jumped, thinking maybe it was him, maybe all of this was just a horrible nightmare. She spun around, a little too quickly for her inebriated state as she lost her balance, falling straight into the muscular arms with a familiar set of eyes.

His grip held her arm as he stood her back onto the own two feet, careful to avoid the deep purple bruises and scratches "You good?" he asked.

Erin nodded, not willing to speak for fear of falling apart. He helped her to her seat, which was right beside his, but Erin was too lost in thought to give him courtesy.

 _"_ _You know what this means right?" Jay asked as they followed behind Voight in the 300._

 _Erin shrugged her shoulders, "That we have the weekend off?"_

 _"_ _Exactly, we have the weekend off, which means…" Jay said as he raised his eyebrows, a grin plastered on his face._

 _Erin laughed "Ha, we have to catch this bastard first Halstead." She told him returning the same grin. "And then we are meeting up with everyone else at Molly's for Matt and Gabby's re-engagement party._

 _"_ _Seriously?" Jay let out a sigh "You would think their first party would have been enough."_

 _"_ _It's just a small get together with their closest friends this time, I promise you it's nothing."_

 _"_ _First of all, that's what they said the last time and the fire marshal kicked us out cause the building was over capacity. Second of all, don't you think it is a little awkward with me being her ex?"_

 _"_ _Really Jay? That's what you're worried about?" Erin laughed "Correct me if i'm wrong but you were undercover, and you were supposed to get close to her, correct?"_

 _"_ _Yeah…"_

 _"_ _Then I don't see what the problem is."_

 _"_ _Let me put it this way, would it bother you if we were to invite say Allie or Kelly to our engagement party?"_

 _Erin thought for a second "Ok, so maybe you do have a point."_

 _Jay smugly grinned before opening the compartment on the dash and pulling out a slip of paper, making a tally mark on his side of the paper. Right now he was trailing by two and the end of the month was growing closer, so he was pulling out all the stops._

 _Erin pulled the car to the curb, parking behind Voight, she stepped out, Olinsky parking behind her. Jay stuffed the paper back in to the dash, and stepped out, adjusting his vest._

 _Erin stepped around to the back of Chrysler, grabbing Jay's long gun and a few extra mags for her sidearm. Jay walked around to the back reaching for his gun, while intentionally brushing Erin's arm. Erin placed what she needed into her vest, turning towards Jay who was now fixing his earwig. He gave her a wink that made her blush as she walked past him, walking towards the rest of the team._

 _"_ _Alright, everyone good?" the team nodded "The house is about a block from here. Expect them to be carrying. Let's load up, everyone goes home tonight, end of discussion." Voight gave them a quick pep talk as they got back into their respective vehicles to go serve the warrant._

 _Erin let out a deep breath, they have done this a thousand times, but something about this one just felt… off._

 _"_ _You good?" Jay asked casting her a worried glance._

 _"_ _Yeah, I'm fine. Something about this just feels weird, you know?"_

 _Jay reached over the console and grabbed Erin's hand, lacing their fingers together, giving her hand a light squeeze._

 _"_ _Hey guys, what was the suspects' vehicle again?" asked Ruzek over the comm._

 _"_ _A black 2016 Chevy Tahoe." Antonio responded._

 _"_ _What are the plates?"_

 _"_ _It's 62Frank9Bravo45."_

 _"_ _Our suspect is behind us." Ruzek reported._

 _Erin looked into the rearview mirror as Jay turned around looking behind Olinsky's car to make sure that what Ruzek and Olinsky were seeing was true._

 _"_ _Shit." Jay cursed under his breath "do we have a visual?"_

 _"_ _Uh yeah, 10-4. It's him, it's Dobbs." Ruzek confirmed in intervals. "He has a passenger."_

 _"_ _Voight, how do you want us to do this?"_

 _There was radio silence as Voight thought of a plan of action._

 _"_ _Alright, we split up and get behind him, try to take him out from behind or from the side. But do not engage until my command, maintain your distance." Voight told them as he took a right at the next street that would follow the one-way street that they were on, before crossing back over a few streets down, staying a few vehicles behind._

 _Erin drove the car for a few more blocks before making left._

 _"_ _Dobbs is up to something, he is getting reckless." Ruzek reported as him and Olinksky were still in front of the suspect._

 _"_ _Alright, at this next stop light fake having car troubles and we will come up from behind, Erin I want you and Halstead to come in from the side, let's box him in."_

 _Erin made a right, to take them back to the street that they we're on originally._

 _"_ _Light's red, let's move." Voight commanded._

 _Olinsky popped the hood and stepped out of the car "The motor died! You'll have to go around." he yelled towards their suspect while Ruzek stayed in the car. Voight flipped on the lights, and swerved out of line while pressing the petal to the floor, coming in behind their suspect at an angle. Erin pressed the gas, to finish boxing the suspect in, but they were too late, their suspect wasn't about to comply, as he pressed the gas, moving from behind Olinksy's car and blowing through the red light. Erin made the sharp turn at thirty miles an hour, Jay held onto the handle attached to the roof as they fell behind their suspect._

 _Jay glanced towards the speedometer as he reached for his cell phone from his Kevlar vest pocket. "Detective Halstead to Dispatch, in need of immediate back-up, we are in pursuit of a Black 2016 Chevy Tahoe with the license plate 62F9B45 on West Augusta Blvd. headed towards Augusta Street."_

 _"_ _10-4. Any available units in the immediate area please respond 10-18 traffic."_

 _Erin swerved around cars moving down the partially busy street, pressing the button for the air horn to forewarn other motorists of their presence and to move over the right. Glancing into the rearview mirror seeing Voight was following closely behind. Erin had an opening free of cars to gain some of the space between the two vehicles._

 _"_ _What the?" Jay said as he unbuckled from his seat, noticing a hand out the passenger side window. "Erin back off. Something doesn't seem right." No sooner did the words come out of his mouth was their shots being fired at them._

 _"_ _10-1! Shots fired at the Police! 10-1!" Jay yelled into his phone as he unclipped his .40 Heckler and Koch gun from his thigh holster, holding it out the window and pulling the trigger in an attempt to hit the vehicle._

 _"_ _Did you hit them?" Erin asked, adrenalin lacing her voice._

 _"_ _I don't think so, they were swerving too much to get a decent hit." Jay told her as he released the empty mag, replacing it with a fully loaded one._

 _"_ _What is this idiot trying to do? Get himself killed?!" Erin yelled as she noted the Tahoe go flying through another red light._

 _"_ _Erin, back off, he's too cocky, the spike strips will get him up ahead." Jay told her. Erin agreed, seeing that the driver was being too reckless, she backed off slightly._

 _The suspect went flying through another light, that was flashing it's yellow caution light before quickly turning red, Erin slowed up, to see if there was anyone approaching from either cross street, but she didn't slow up enough. A car came barreling through the light, hitting the passenger side of the car at an excessive speed of fifty-five miles per hour, causing the Chrysler 300 to flip twice, landing on it's top. Erin held onto the steering wheel for as long as she could as glass broke, metal crushed and air bags deployed around her before she quickly succumbed to unconsciousness, strapped to her seat upside down._

 _Voight slammed onto his breaks as he watched the accident unfold in front of them. He sat motionless for a split second before jumping into action._

 _"_ _Erin! Jay!" he yelled at the top of his lungs as he made his way over towards the mangled metal. He bent down by the driver side door, glass cutting into the palm of his hand. "Erin…" He said with a shaky voice. "Someone call 911, now!" he yelled to no one in particular._

 _Voight laid down onto the pavement and edged his way into the car. Finding blood dripping off of Erin's forehead, into her hair and onto the roof of the car._

 _"_ _Voight, we have a problem." Antonio's voice cracked as he spoke, from the opposite side of the car, having crawled the best he could through the passenger windshield to check on Jay._

 _Voight lifted two fingers to Erin's carotid artery, feeling for a pulse, finding one after a few seconds, slow and faint. "Erin's got a pulse! What's the problem?" Voight asked quickly as he turned his head, just in time to see Antonio pulling Jay out of the car, Kevin assisting by grabbing his shoulders and pulling him out of the front windshield._

 _"_ _Don't touch him. You need to leave him in his seat." Voight demanded, knowing the basics of medical care._

 _"_ _He has no pulse, and I am not going to just stand here and let him die!" Antonio yelled as placed Jay down onto the street as carefully as they could._

 _"_ _Get the AED!" Antonio yelled as he began chest compressions._

 _Someone came running over with the Automated External Defibrillator from one of their cars, they set it up as Antonio cut Jay's vest off with a knife and lifted up his shirt to put the pads on. "Fuck." He cursed, shaking his head. Jay's abdomen was red and purple and hard to the touch. Antonio pressed analyze as the machine told everyone to remove their hands from the patient "Everyone clear!" he yelled, raising his hands "shock advised" said the automated voice as it gave Jay an electric shock "No pulse continue CPR." The voice said as it recharged and Antonio started the motions over again._

 _Sirens in the background gave notice that help was arriving, a fire truck appeared on scene followed by an ambulance._

 _"_ _Let's get something on top of that car so we don't have a fire. Bingham and Henry, grab some cribbing and stabilize the car; Crone, grab the Jaws let's get the driver door open and cut, everyone else, make yourself useful, you know what to do." Lieutenant Jeff Clarke instructed as he walked over to the mangled 300._

 _"_ _What have we got?" asked Paramedic in Charge Allison Rafferty._

 _"_ _Pursing a suspect when they got hit, car flipped twice, he wasn't wearing a seatbelt, shocked twice with no conversion, and well you can see the damage…" Antonio told the paramedic as she began her own assessment._

 _Rafferty opened up her medical bag, pulling out a vile of epinephrine and administering the dosage into Jay, "You," she pointed towards Ruzek who was standing nearby "take over compressions." Rafferty dug in her bag again, grabbing the intubation kit, pulling out a tube "Stop compressions." She instructed as she opened Jay's mouth "Shit." She muttered as she noticed blood built up in his mouth, a small amount coming out and spilling down his cheek. She grabbed her pen light, turning Jay's head she looked into his ear canal, finding copious amounts of cerebral spinal fluid mixed with blood, 'that's two orifices' she thought to herself as she checked his nose, finding blood coming out from where she turned his head 'that's three' she sighed, she lifted up a closed eye lid, shining the light, 'minimal reaction'. She knew then that there was a slim chance of him coming back, but she was acquaintances with a few of these people and decided to do everything in her power to try to save him. Rafferty grabbed the intubation tube, careful to slide it down his trachea, she got the tube settled as she bagged him, her partner made an incision on his right side to insert a chest tube to re-inflate the collapsed lung, before beginning the rest of their assessments, loading him and taking him to the hospital._

 _The sound of the Jaws of Life, decompressing crushed metal as it opened up the door could be heard over all the chaos. Voight stood back out of the way, watching as the firefighters worked to free Erin, previously watching as they worked on bringing Jay back to life. The generator for the machinery shut off. "Ma'am? Can you hear me?" a firefighter that had crawled through the passenger side window once rescue operations began, continued to ask Erin._

 _A low moan escaped from her lips, "Hey Lieutenant! She's awake!" the man yelled to Clarke who was standing outside of the car._

 _"_ _J… Ja-"_

 _"_ _Don't try to talk, there was an accident, everything's going to be ok, we're going to get you out." The man told her to get her to calm down as she came to. "Hey! Get me a C-Collar!" he asked to the paramedic standing outside the car. "My name is Mark, can you tell me what your name is?" he asked as he placed the cervical collar around her neck._

 _"_ _Er… Erin." She told him._

 _"_ _Well Erin, it's nice to meet you, I wish I could say it was under better circumstances." He laughed, trying to make light of the situation._

 _"_ _J… Jay, where is he?"_

 _"_ _He's outside of the car, they are taking care of him, how about we worry about you right now, are you feeling any pain?"_

 _Erin began to describe her injuries, the throbbing in her head, the numbness in her legs, the extreme discomfort in her abdomen._

 _"_ _They should be able to give you something for the pain, but how about we get you out of here?"_

 _Erin nodded her head. The rescue crew began to work quickly around them, sliding a backboard in sideways before they cut Erin free from her seatbelt. Once free they made quick to strap her to the board and fully pull her out of the car._

 _"_ _Erin?" Voight asked as they loaded her onto the stretcher._

 _"_ _Hank… I'm… I'm fine. Where's Jay? How's Jay?"_

 _"_ _I don't know, another ambo took him to the hospital. The guys are with him."_

 _Erin closed her eyes as another crew of paramedics swooped in and began assessing her injuries, administering the care that they could in the field. "Taking her to Med right?" Voight asked as they loaded her into the ambulance._

 _"_ _Yeah, you can ride up front if you want." The medic told him._

"… he taught me that sometimes the choices we make for ourselves, can sometimes turn to mistakes, but we are more than those mistakes. Jay once told me "that sometimes there are no victories, there are only battles. And in the end, the best you could hope for is to find a place to make your stand." I hope if anything, you remember Jay, not for the hero he was, but for the hero he is." Olinksy said as he departed from the stand, dragging Erin away from her thoughts.

She was supposed to get up and say a few words next, since Mouse was nowhere to be seen. Erin took a deep and shaky breath as she made her way up to the stand. "Jay Halstead was a pain in my ass." She said, resulting in a few laughs to come from the crowd "Four years ago, I walk into the district, and no sooner did I reach the top of the stairs, was Hank calling me into his brand new office. The first thought through my head was "Oh Shit, what does he think I did now?", I walk in and he gives it to me straight "You're getting a new partner, details are a little vague but they tell me he was the best of his class and I know he just got done undercover." I immediately began to protest, I had been working by myself since he formed the intelligence unit two weeks back and was doing just fine. Hank didn't budge and told me to go do something for the case we were working. I made my way down the stairs when I heard some tall idiot arguing with Trudy, rule number one of the 21st, you don't mess with Platt. Turns out that the idiot was my new partner." Erin took another deep breath. "Jay is… was my best friend, my partner, the love of my life, and I..." Erin's already shaky words drifted off as a tear fell to the podium. Erin raised her head and was about to force herself to continue when the faint sound of music playing in the distance behind her made her smile " _Take me down to the paradise city; Where the grass is green and the girls are pretty, Oh won't you please take me home_." She turned around, looking towards where the song was coming from. Mouse stood several hundred yards behind her, holding a boombox as their units old anthem played, thankful for his inconvenient timing.

Erin returned to her seat, letting the music takeover her thoughts.

 _"_ _What… did you just say." Erin said as she pulled the IV out of her arm and swung her legs over the hospital bed._

 _"_ _Erin… sit back down."_

 _"_ _No! I want to see him! And so help me if this is one of Ruzek's pranks I will have his balls." She gritted through her teeth, still standing by the bed._

 _"_ _You can't see him, it's…"_

 _"_ _It's what Hank!" she yelled._

 _"_ _Bad... Erin." He told her letting out a deep breath_

 _Erin put a trembling hand up to her lip, slowly sitting back down onto the mattress as a nurse came running into the room to fix her IV. "This is all my fault."_

 _Voight said nothing as he reached behind her, handing her an emesis bag that was hanging behind the bed, noting her ghostly white complexion before he stepped out of the room._

 _Voight had only been in the hall a few minutes before he heard a set of footsteps, slowly coming down the hall. "Hey, is Erin awake?" Will asked._

 _"_ _Yeah, any news?"_

 _Will motioned his head for Voight to join them as he moved into her room, "Hey, how are you feeling?"_

 _"_ _I'm fine, how's Jay?" Erin asked, standing up._

 _"_ _Erin he… Jay, he…" Will said as he took a deep breath "Erin, Jay didn't-"_

 _"_ _No." she shook her head violently, trying to stop the tears from falling "No. Don't you dare tell me that he is dead. Tell me that he is standing out in the hallway, waiting to come in with nothing more than a few scratches."_

 _"_ _Erin, I'm… sorry." Will told her as a tear fell down his cheek._

 _"_ _No." she kept repeating, her words getting out loud as the sound of a door being flung open echoed in the room, her body shaking before a loud sob escaped past her lips. "I want to see him! Let me see him!"_

 _Will pulled her into his arms, wrapping them tightly around her as she beat his chest, "Let me see him!" she screamed, her sobs echoing off the empty walls of the room, masking Will's own tears as they sunk to the bed. Erin wasn't sure how long they sat there like that, but she knew she needed to get out of the room, out of the hospital. She pushed Will away, jumping to her feet, feeling a burst of emotion fed adrenaline coursing through her veins she pulled open the door and ran down the hallway, ignoring the voices yelling behind her to stop, she ran down the seven flights of stairs and out the front door. The fresh air hit her lungs, giving her even more momentum to keep moving. Her legs were burning, the cuts and gashes that had been so neatly cleaned and stitched were now bleeding through their bandages. But she knew where she needed to go as she ran six blocks past the hospital. She ran inside the elegant building, running up two flights of stairs, skipping every other step as she went. She slowed her speed, walking towards the vending machines at the end of the hallway, running her hand behind one of the machinery before she felt what she was looking for. She grabbed the key box, removing the metal as she walked back down the hallway, stopping in front of the heavy wooden door and inserting the key. Erin turned the knob, immediately stepping inside letting the apartment assault her senses. She closed her eyes, silent tears falling as she took in a deep breath, the smell of gunpowder, old spice and something flowery became overpowering before she opened her eyes and glanced around their apartment._

"If everyone could please rise as we honor this brave young man." The Chaplain spoke.

Erin stood, hearing others in the crowd rise to their feet behind her, eight men dressed in their formal service uniforms, marched several hundred yards away from the casket and crowd. Seven of the men held rifles, as the eighth man commanded them. Those serving or had served in the military, law enforcement and fire in the crowd raised their hand up in salute, as the eighth man ordered them "Ready. Aim. Fire." He told them, doing as instructed, cocking the rifle, pulling it up into position, aiming at the sky, before they each pulled the trigger in-sync. The loud blast of the blank causing several in the crowd to jump at the echoing noise throughout the cemetery. "Ready. Aim. Fire." he instructed as the repeated the process once again, "Ready. Aim. Fire." he instructed one last time before the men returned to their stationary positions.

Before the last echo of a gunshot could leave the graveyard, the sound of a trumpet could be heard, playing the familiar wretched twenty-four note lullaby, while everyone continued to salute, not leaving a dry eye within hearing distance. The crowd seated as seven men from the honor guard, stood over his casket as they lifted up the flag, before they began folding it twelve times, where the red and white stripes are wrapped into the blue. Before the man on the end, marched his way over, kneeling on the ground before Erin, placing the folded flag in her hands.

 _"_ _Erin! Are you in there?!" came a shout and then a loud knock from behind the front door._

 _Erin remained on the couch, not wanting or willing to get up. "Go away Hank." Her raspy voice attempted to yell._

 _"_ _Erin, open this door before I break it down."_

 _Erin rolled her eyes and wiped away a few stray tears as she slowly stood up from the couch and stumbled her way to the door. "What do you want? I am alive, I am home, I am fine, now go away."_

 _"_ _You're not fine, your boyfriend died yesterday, you are anything but fine, you will never be fine." Voight told her from experience as he forced his way through the door. He stopped in the living room, taking in the apartment's appearance as well as Erin's. Erin was dressed in Jay's black hoodie and a grey pair of sweats, her hair a mess, her eyes blood shot. The apartment was almost worse, beer and whiskey bottles spread throughout the living room, glass laying in the floor coming from a smashed picture on the wall, clothes laying in heaps, with several takeout containers sitting on the coffee table. "Erin, I've tried your cell, you didn't answer."_

 _"_ _Didn't feel like talking, still don't." she told him as she turned around, picking up a bottle of jack off the table, taking a swig._

 _"_ _We got the guys."_

 _"_ _Good, I hope they rot in a cell."_

 _"_ _Erin, you can't live like this."_

 _"_ _Go to hell." She mouthed off as she flipped him the bird before taking another sip of jack._

 _Voight shook his head as he made his way towards the hallway closet, grabbing a bag before he headed towards the bedroom._

 _"_ _What the fuck do you think you are doing?" Erin asked as she drunkenly swayed in the doorway._

 _"_ _You're staying with me, you will need some clothes, Burgess can get the rest for you later."_

 _"_ _Like hell I am. I am a grown ass woman, I don't need to stay with you."_

 _"_ _This is not up for debate Erin Lindsay, you are staying at my house, end of discussion."_

 _"_ _And you are not my father, never will be, you cannot just force me to move out of my own house!"_

 _Voight ignored her comments, grabbing things off the floor and shoving them into the bag._

 _"_ _Hank, stop." Erin pleaded "He's… He's not gone, he can't be." She said as he voice cracked._

 _"_ _Erin, he's gone and you know as well as I do, what will happen if you don't stop yourself now, from going down that hole…"_

 _"_ _I… ok." She sighed as she made her way to the dresser, pulling out the necessities from the drawers._

* * *

-Four Months Later-

"Erin, you don't have to do this, not today." Kim told her as they made their way up the stairs.

"I do, I am, and I will."

"Ok, if you think it's time." Burgess told her, nodding her head as Erin stopped in front of the door. "Do you have the key?"

"Yeah." Erin said, still not making a move to open the door.

"When was the last time you were here?"

"Honestly," Erin laughed "I come here once a week, during my one of my 'lunch breaks' where I am 'meeting with friends', I just never thought..."

"Erin…"

"Now is not the time for sympathy Kim." Erin snapped.

The newly promoted patrolwoman nodded her head as Erin finally put the key in, stepping into the apartment.

"Wow…" Kim said as she stepped into the apartment, noticing how clean it was.

"Yeah, I figured since Hank was letting me move back in sometime soon, I should clean up." Erin smiled. "You really didn't have to come today, I just told Hank that you were helping me clean, to get him off my back."

"He cares about you Erin."

"I know… Listen, I am going to go get changed, feel free to turn on the TV or raid the fridge." Erin told her as she walked down the hall to the bedroom, shutting the door.

Erin walked over to the dresser, opening the second drawer down on the left side. She pulled out the fabric that was on top and held it to her nose, the faint smell comforting, bringing a smile to her face and tears to her eyes. It was the last shirt that still smelled like _him_ , the others having worn by Erin and their smell washed away. Erin placed the fabric back into the drawer as she grabbed another one of his shirts, slinging it over her shoulder as she pushed the drawer of the dresser closed, the sound of paper rustling catching her attention. She pulled the drawer back out, and began searching for what may have made the noise, a blue slip of paper, dangling from the bottom catching her eye. She pulled the paper loose, turning the small square over in her hand, the small words written in chicken scratch pulled what little emotional strength she had away. _"I love you, no matter the hell or highwater. Don't worry about working today babe, take it as a personal day, I left you something in the kitchen ;) – J"_ Erin read the note over and over, as a stray tear streamed down her cheek, landing on the post it note as she tried to remember when this was, the words becoming etched into her mind. She placed the note down on the bed as she removed everything else from the drawer, and every other drawer on the dresser, before she started looking through the few slips of paper sitting on top of a few boxes. " _Wear something nice."_ Was all the note said as she pulled it out, a long black velvet box attached. With a shaky hand and silent tears now stream down her cheeks, she opened the velvet box, finding a diamond bracelet with ear rings. She dropped the box down onto the bed, putting a hand over her mouth before running it through her hair. ' _What the hell?_ ' she thought as she slowly sunk into the floor.

* * *

-One Year After the Accident-

Erin had just sat down at her desk, glancing at her go to distraction. ' _One year'_ she thought to herself. ' _I miss you babe._ ' She shook her head to clear the thoughts, Voight told her to take the next couple of days off but this was the biggest case of the year, she wasn't about to leave them one man down. Erin stood from her chair, making her way towards the breakroom to refill her coffee. She had just fixed her a cup when she felt someone standing in the doorway watching her.

"I'm fine."

"I know, I didn't say anything." Voight held his hands up in surrender.

"You didn't have to, I can feel your… vibe from over here." She said waving her hands around before grabbing her coffee, walking past Voight and out of the breakroom. "You coming to Molly's tonight? The boys are treating."

"Wouldn't miss it." Voight smiled. He remained in the doorway, taking in Erin's appearance, how much she had changed over the past year. She had lost what little weight she might have had, and evidence of the accident was gone except the scar on her arm and when she was tired or angry, you could see a slight scar on her face. She had thrown herself into her work, solving five cold cases in the process.

"Erin, you have a visitor downstairs." Platt said as she made her way halfway up the staircase.

Erin raised her eyebrow, "You expecting someone?" Voight asked.

"No, Will and I are meeting for our usual lunch this afternoon but it's 8:30 in the morning…"

She stood and made her way down the stairs, seeing a familiar face that she couldn't place.

"Hey, it's Erin right?" the man asked, extending a hand.

"Yeah, and you are…" Erin said as she accepted the man's hand.

"Mark. Mark Hollinsworth, I was the Candidate that rescued you on the day of your accident…"

"I… I vaguely remember you? Sorry, I had a concussion so I don't remember a lot about that day…"

"Yeah, so how are you? Everything good?" he asked as he shoved his hands into his pockets.

"Fine, fine, everything is… as good as it can possibly be. Not to be rude but is there something I can help you with?"

Mark nervously laughed before running a hand over his neck "I was wondering if you wanted to possibly get a drink later?..."

"Mark… you seem like a real nice guy but..."

"Too soon?" he grimaced. Erin raised her eyebrow curiously. "I know that your partner, the man who passed, he was your boyfriend… I wasn't meaning to be blunt or to step on your toes, I'm sorry, it was stupidity on my part. Annnd I am going to shut up now."

"Listen, why don't you give me your number, and if- when I get back out there, I give you a call." Erin smiled.

Mark wrote down his number with a smile, leaving after telling Erin that he was glad she was doing good.

"So, who was McHottie?" Kim asked as she came up behind Erin.

"What?"

"The really hot guy in Levis that has firefighter written all over him, that just gave you his number?"

"Oh him, that was Mark, he says he was there the day of the accident."

"You should go out with him." Burgess told her as put in the code and scanned her hand.

"What? No, I could never."

"Erin, you need to move on." Kim said, placing a hand on her shoulder.

"Maybe I don't want to move on!" Erin yelled as the entire precinct got quiet, watching the scene unfold.

Kim grabbed her arm and dragged her up the stairs, briefly waving to the guys sitting in the bullpen before dragging Erin down the hall, to the interrogation room.

"Erin, it's been a year."

"You don't think I don't know that." Erin hissed. "I can hear people talking Kim, behind my back 'Look at her, she lost her partner, lost her boyfriend.' Except I didn't lose him, I got him killed."

"Why?"

"What?"

"Why do you think you got him killed?" Kim asked, taking a seat across from Erin.

"I…" Erin closed her eyes, biting her lip to control her emotions. "I knew something was off about that day. I knew something was going to happen but I still woke up, I still went to work, I thought everything was going to be ok until Dobbs started acting all crazy, Jay told me to back off so I did, and I thought that we could have made it through the red light, it was still yellow but it changed so fast…"

"Erin… it was an accident, there was nothing you could have done differently to save him."

Erin let out a sigh, she knew Burgess was right, but no matter how many times she told herself, she still couldn't believe the words.

* * *

-One Year & Eight Months After the Accident-

Erin rolled over at the sound of her alarm going off, not that she had been asleep, sleep was foreign to her. She laid there, staring at the picture sitting on the nightstand, of her and Jay, sitting in a corner booth of a bar, Jay's arm slung around her shoulder, Erin leaning into his side as her hand played with his fingers, their foreheads touching, smiles on both their faces.

The sound of the second alarm, brings her out of the memory, she checks her phone for the time, having a little over an hour before she had to be at the district.

She got up, starting a fresh pot of coffee, attempting to make it as close as she could to how Jay would, but she could never get it just right. She went back to the bedroom, throwing the music playlist on her phone on shuffle, placing it on the speaker dock, before hoping into the shower. She showered quickly, jamming out as she fixed her hair and picked out an outfit for the day. She smiled as she heard the strumming of a guitar and the beat of the drums, " _Take me down to the paradise city; Where the grass is green and the girls are pretty, Oh won't you please take me home."_ Began blaring over the speakers as she placed Jays dog tags over her head, they wanted them when he was buried, but she lied saying they were lost. She threw a pair of pants and one of jay's shirts on, needing a caffeine fix, before she continued getting dressed. She had just started pouring a mug when there was a knock on the door.

She placed the coffee on the counter, double checking that she did have enough clothes on to answer the door. The knock became heavier and more persistent, "Coming!" she yelled, ' _Asshole.'_ she thought.

Erin flung the door open, a fake smile plastered on her face "Can I-?"

Erin stood there, staring at the person in front of her, the black boots and dark navy jeans, followed by the grey Henley shirt and black leather jacket, that lead up to an unshaven face, with a smile that brought out his sleep deprived eyes, his brown wavy hair, longer than usual but not by much, with an arm in a cast and a scratch over his left eye. Erin felt the tears well-up as she choked back a sob, struggling to get the right words out. "Jay?"

* * *

 **I had several songs that helped me when writing, Whiskey Lullaby by Brad Paisley, Just a Dream by Carrie Underwood, Hello World by Lady Antebellum and What Hurts the Most by Rascal Flatts, check them out if you've never heard them before :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Ask and ye shall receive :) First of all I want to say thank you, thank you, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart (seriously!) to everyone who reviewed, faved or followed, you seriously have no idea how much it means to me, I have been so giddy. Second, to everyone I caused a painful a death by feels, I am sorry. Finally, y'all set the bar high, so I hope that this is up to par! Enjoy :)**

* * *

 _Erin stood there, staring at the person in front of her, the black boots and dark navy jeans, followed by the grey Henley shirt and black leather jacket, that lead up to an unshaven face, with a smile that brought out his sleep deprived eyes, his brown wavy hair, longer than usual but not by much. Erin felt the tears well-up, as she choked back a sob, struggling to get the right words out. "Jay?"_

"Hey." He said, his voice low and raw.

Erin stood there, her mouth agape as the words struggled to come out. "Erin? Are you ok?" Jay asked as he reached an open hand out to touch her arm.

Erin jumped back, his motions seeming to pull her out of her trance. "Am I alright? Did you just fucking ask me if I was alright?" Erin yelled. Jay pulled his hand back, running a hand through his hair before shoving his hands into the pockets of his leather jacket. "Erin… at least let me come in and explain." Erin took a second to debate her options before she slammed the door shut. She told herself she was imagining things, that he wasn't really standing there outside the door, that her sleep deprived brain was making unrealistic things happen.

Erin glanced at the framed folded flag, proudly displayed on the bookcase as she thumbed the dog tags hanging around her neck. She shook her head, the consistent ring of her phone bringing her out of her thoughts, she ran over to the counter to answer it before the caller could disconnect.

"Yeah?" she asked without looking at the caller ID.

"You're late." Voight reprimanded her.

Erin glanced at the clock on the stove, seeing she was fifteen minutes late. ' _Shit_.' She cursed to herself. "Sorry, time got away from me this morning." She lied.

"You alright kid? Why don't you take a few days off, you deserve it after this week."

"I'm fine, don't worry about it."

"I can pull Roman up, him and Burgess always have worked good together."

"I'm fine Hank, I promise. I will be there in ten."

Voight let out a sigh, he knew that something was up, but he could tell Erin wasn't about to budge. "Alright." He reluctantly agreed. Erin hung up the phone, going back to the bedroom, throwing on a shirt and leather jacket. She slipped on a pair of boots, and grabbed the keys to her car before heading out the door.

"You ready to talk now?" she heard his gravelly voice echo behind her.

Erin stopped in the hall and closed her eyes ' _This is just a dream. You will wake up… now_ ' she told herself as she opened her eyes. She let out a sigh and her shoulders sagged as what she considered to be a nightmare became a reality.

"I would take that as a no?" he said as he followed her down the steps and out the front door.

Erin reached into her pocket, grabbing her keys to unlock her car. She jumped into the driver side and cranked the engine. Jay stood outside the car for few seconds before he turned around and began walking away. Erin rolled her eyes, she knew she wanted to know what had happened, where he had been, who, why, a variety of questions ran through her mind as she rolled down the passenger window.

"You coming or what?" Erin said as she leaned down to yell at Jay.

Jay spun around, surprise written on his face, before he hesitantly moved over to the waiting car. "Are… Are you sure?" he asked as he leaned in through the window.

"No, but someone besides you has to have some answers and I sure as hell deserve some." Erin told him before he took a second and opened the door.

Erin shifted the car into drive and they rode in silence, with a thick tension in the air of unspoken words.

"Erin… I'm sorry. I didn't ha-"

"Stop. Not here. Not now." Erin said throwing her hand in the air to stop the conversation from where it was going.

Jay closed his mouth, putting a hand up to rub his jaw as he turned and looked out the window.

Erin pulled around to the back of the district and got out before Jay had the chance to say another word. She walked over to the metal door, not checking to see if Jay was behind her. She pulled it open and walked in, "Hey Mouse." She acknowledged as she walked by the tech room, Mouse was reading a magazine with his feet planted up on the table. "Hey Eri-" he stopped the words, noticing a familiar face walking behind her. His feet and the magazine fell to the floor before he stood quickly, the chair hitting the floor behind him. "Erin!" he yelled.

"Yeah… Mouse?" she said nonchalantly as she back tracked, sticking her head in the door.

"Who… who's… slap me I am dreaming." He stuttered before getting the words out.

"Hey Mouse." Jay said guiltily with a small wave.

Erin rolled her eyes at his bluntness, before she turned and headed up the stairs, missing a step as she almost reached the top, she reached for the railing and prepared herself for the fall, only the pain from hitting the wood never came, instead she felt a pair of arms holding her up, lighting her skin ablaze where every finger grasped.

"You good?" Jay asked as he looked down at Erin.

"Ye… Yeah." She managed to say as he helped her back up, and continued her trek up to the bull pen. Erin and Jay entered the main floor of the precinct, Mouse following behind, the loud conversations of the patrolmen getting their daily routes and assignments ceased as they headed up the stairs to the iron gate, the only sound to be heard was a pen dropping from Platt's hand and the squall of a dispatcher talking over the radio.

"How many people knew?" she asked under her breath as she scanned her palm.

Jay let out a nervous laugh, "Only a few."

"… a few? Who?"

Jay punched in the code for her before running a hand through his hair, "I'll tell you but not here." Jay said as he casted a glance over to the people in the district that was avidly watching them.

Erin rolled her eyes, she knew he was right, the gossip grapevine would be full speed ahead before they ever reached the top of the stairs. She pulled open the gate and jogged on up. "Erin nice of you to finally join us." Voight told her as he turned around from the white board in the corner of the room.

"Not now Hank." She silenced him as she turned around, waiting for Jay who was still standing at the bottom of the stairs. "Are you coming or what?"

Everyone turned around from the spots where they were sitting at in the bullpen, trying to see who Erin was talking to. Jay hesitated, knowing that he was going to receive shit from his coworkers but once he explained, they would understand. Or so he hoped. He felt Mouse give him a small nudge to his back, almost like he was afraid to touch him, like Jay would shatter into a million pieces at the slightest touch or Mouse would wake up and all this be just a dream. Jay let out a sigh and headed up the stairs, staring at the ground, unable to look at the reactions of his friends and co-workers.

"What the fuck?" he heard Ruzek say before standing up quickly from the corner of a desk.

Jay looked up, seeing Ruzek's question written on the rest of their faces. He nodded towards Voight who nodded back. Erin rolled her eyes "Of course." She said as she noticed their silent interaction. "Let's go." She told him before grabbing him by the sleeve of his coat, dragging him down the hallway. "You too Mouse." She yelled back. Erin dragged Jay down to the first room on the left, "Sit down." She pointed to the steel chair that they sit the offenders in.

"Really?" Jay asked, raising an eyebrow, questioning her motives.

"Yes really."

Jay did as told, as Erin began pacing the small cylinder block room with Mouse leaned against the wall in the far corner.

"Who knew?" Erin asked after a few minutes, feeling the scrutiny from Jay's stare.

"Voight, Commander Crowley, Connor and…" he mumbled the last person under his breath.

"Who?"

"Will."

Erin shook her head, letting out a small laugh "He played me?" Jay winced at the wording but nodded his head "He's good, had me fooled." Erin said before she let silence fill the room.

"Do you want me to start from the beginning or are we just going to sit here all day?" Jay asked as Erin began to pace the room once more before sitting down across from Jay.

"It's your floor."

 _"_ _You sure about this Halstead?" Voight asked from behind his desk, staring at the contents of the manila envelope that held Jay's undercover identity and background._

 _Jay nodded his head, looking out the window over Hank's shoulder "I need to do this." Jay told him, his voice unsure, like he was trying to convince himself as he glanced down at an old stain in the carpet of the floor._

 _Voight stared the young detective down, almost to the point of glaring "What's the problem then?"_

 _Jay looked up, and leaned back in the chair, placing a hand on his forehead as he gave his boss a 'you're kidding me right?' kind of look._

 _Voight leaned up, folding his hands on top of his wooden desk, as he let out a sigh. "This is one of the reasons I don't particularly tolerate co-workers dating; but, you and Erin make a good team, and I trust you both to have each other's back. I promised myself not to get involved in your… relationship, but can I give you a piece of advice? Back before I was in Gangs, I was in Organized Crime, me and Camille hadn't been together long, I got assigned an undercover op, and I took it without telling her, things between us got rocky, the op went longer than anticipated and it end with me at Med with a broken femur and wrist..." Voight was telling him as his phone interrupted "Long story short kid, you need to tell her." He told Jay as he answered the phone._

 _Jay nodded his head, grabbed the manila envelope and let himself out of the office, telling himself that he would tell Erin that night. He sat down, burying himself in the paperwork of his new identity, the footsteps of the others in the unit arriving caused him to be more aware of the people around_

 _"_ _Hey." He heard her voice say as she sat down a ceramic mug of coffee in front of him, bring him out of a work induced haze._

 _"_ _Morning." He let out a sigh before rubbing a finger over his eyes and dropping the papers he was looking at, taking a sip of the hot liquid._

 _Erin gave him a questioning look and nodded her head towards the breakroom, but before Jay could answer Voight came out of his office. "We've got a fresh one, let's move."_

 _A dozen witness statements, six hours of standing in the humid air, four cups of coffee and one dead marine staff sergeant later, they finally had enough to outline the case._

 _"_ _Alright, victims name is Staff Sargent Jason Whitticker, a registered nurse over at the VA hospital on South Damen Ave; 34 years old, married to Elise Whitticker. Looks like the vic was walking down the street when a tan corolla pulled up and shot him point blank. Everything was still on him, nothing was missing. Seems random." Atwater filled the team in as he hung pictures up onto the whiteboard._

 _"_ _What about his wallet, cash? Credit Cards?" Antonio asked._

 _"_ _All there."_

 _Jay let out a sigh and glanced towards Voight who was looking him, not giving him any indication that based on numerous similarities he thought the two cases might be connected, but rather he ran his tongue along the bottom of his lip before directing orders to the others, telling them to contact their CI's, go back over the miniscule pieces that may have been overlooked. "Halstead my office." Voight said as he turned around._

 _Jay stood, glancing at Erin who was giving him a questioning look, Jay waved her thoughts off. "Sir." He said as he stepped in and shut the door._

 _"_ _What are your thoughts?"_

 _Jay let out a sigh and ran a hand over the stubble on his face "Givin' the evidence, and the similarities between the death of the marine, the staff sergeant, the navy seal, and now the nurse, all within the past two months, they're connected."_

 _Voight reached into his desk, pulling out a file folder that held the information from the case Jay was fixing to go undercover on. They each took a paper, reading and skimming over the information._

 _"_ _I think I've got it." Jay said after they had been reading over the files for almost an hour. "We already knew the Hospital was involved, we just didn't know who or how, but check this out, Caleb Dobbs is a Doctor over at the VA, our victims were either his patients or worked under him."_

 _Voight read over the victim's files, seeing that he was in fact a commonality. "What do you think?" Jay asked._

 _"_ _I think that you need to tell Lindsay because you are going in on Thursday."_

 _Jay nodded his head before grabbing the file and headed back to his desk, going back over the information as Voight called a judge for a warrant. Jay was reading the last page as Atwater's voice cut through his thoughts "Hey Boss, that warrant came through on Dobbs." Atwater announced._

 _"_ _Alright, let's get suited up." He said standing._

… Time Jump _..._

 _"_ _What have we got?" Connor Rhodes asked as they wheeled Jay into the emergency room._

 _"_ _32 year old male. Victim of a Car Accident. No pulse when we arrived on scene, he was shocked with an AED on hand by coworkers. No conversion times two. CPR was started, we administered epi and intubated. Collapsed lung, was inflated with a chest tube. Major internal bleeding. Blood is present in the throat and nose as well also in the ears. No reaction to light. We got a pulse back but it's bradycardic."_

 _"_ _Shit Halstead? Damn it. Alright…" Connor said before he began directing out orders._

 _Connor made his own assessments, deciding to rush him up to emergency surgery. As Voight came walking through the sliding doors. "How is he?"_

 _"_ _Not good. He's bleeding internally, probable brain damage, he's…"_

 _"_ _Circling the Drain?"_

 _"_ _Yeah, listen I've got to get up there. I'll do my best." Conner said giving him a reassuring pat on the shoulder as he walked away._

 _Voight stared off and nodded his head, "Wait."_

 _Connor stopped in his tracks. "Do you want him to die?" he asked frustratingly._

 _"_ _Yes." Voight said bluntly, "But no, I need you to fix him, but I also need him to die."_

 _Connor looked at Voight with confused look "You want him to die, but you want him to live?"_

 _Voight let out a sigh before he pulled him to the side. "He was about to go undercover, deep, undercover. The more people that thinks he's dead, the better because we don't know who is involved, it would also allow us to change his cover a little."_

 _Connor nodded his head, not speaking a word. "I could give him Amiodarone, which will slow his heart rate and respirations, giving the illusion, but that will have to given once I repair the damage."_

 _"_ _Do what you gotta do."_

Eight Hours Later….

 _"_ _Yeah?" Voight asked without checking the caller ID on his phone._

 _"_ _Detective Jay Halstead passed away at 21:53 this evening due to his injuries." Connor said as a door shut in the background._

 _Voight let out a sigh "How is he?"_

 _"_ _Miraculously he pulled through but he's not out of the woods yet, he needs to be in the ICU until he wakes."_

 _"_ _Is he safe to be moved?"_

 _"_ _Let's get his vitals stable, then maybe in a day or two but his body needs time to heal. There was internal damage, a punctured lung, with the other one only working at 25%, a deep but minor tears to his kidney and spleen, six broken ribs, finally he has a severe concussion with intracranial hemorrhaging, which we relieved the pressure of, he has a hairline fracture in his left wrist along with your normal cuts and bruises."_

 _"_ _That bad?"_

 _"_ _Honestly no, with this kind of accident it probably could have been worse."_

 _Voight thanked him before hanging up._

Two days later…

 _A groan from the hospital bed in the middle of the room brought Voight out of his slumber._

 _"_ _How you feeling Halstead?"_

 _"_ _Like shit." He said as he grimaced, clutching his side as he attempted to sit up before pushing a button on the bed that moved the mattress for him._

 _Voight let out a small laugh "You look like it too."_

 _Jay looked around the room, disappointment fell over his face when the one person he wanted there was nowhere to be found. "What are you doing here Voight, where's Erin?"_

 _"_ _She is getting ready for your funeral, I hope."_

 _"_ _My… funeral?"_

 _"_ _Your funeral. You are being buried today, well, some bags of cement are being put six feet under."_

 _"_ _I don't understand?"_

 _"_ _You were in an accident, you lived by the skin of your teeth, and now to preserve your undercover status, you Halstead, are legally dead."_

 _"_ _Does Erin know?"_

 _"_ _No, only Commander Crowley, Dr. Rhodes, and myself know." Voight said before he began going over the details of the accident and Jay's undercover assignment._

 _Jay took a minute to process the information "I need to tell Erin."_

 _"_ _No, that cannot happen."_

 _"_ _Why not." He demanded._

 _"_ _Because… it's complicated."_

 _"_ _She's my girlfriend! She deserves the fucking right to know!" Jay seethed before he began pulling out the IV in his arm, struggling to move off the bed._

 _"_ _Mr. Bryson I need you to lay back down." A nurse instructed as she rushed in through the door and pushed him back onto the bed, checking his arm making sure the needle wasn't still in there._

 _"_ _Mr. Bryson? Who the hell?_

 _"_ _Johnathan, calm down." Voight glared as he talked toward Jay._

 _Jay laid back, his mouth agape, his eyebrows furried in confusion. The nurse mumbled something to herself before walking out the room._

 _"_ _Jay, I'm sorry but…"_

 _"_ _You know what, fine whatever, this will come back to bite you in the ass one day, but if I can't talk to or see Erin, at least let me see Will."_

 _Voight let out a sigh before agreeing, and giving Will a call, asking for a favor and that he meet him at the VA hospital, not giving Will any other information, Will reluctantly agreed to meet him on his lunch break. Voight received a text from Will around 12:30, asking him where to meet, Voight gave him Jay's room, but stepped out into the hallway, to lessen the surprise on the eldest Halstead._

"That was… a conversation I was hoping to never have." Jay said as he let out a sigh, leaning back in the metal chair, before letting out a nervous laugh "You should have seen him, I'm surprised he didn't punch a wall he was so pissed." Jay glanced over towards Erin, seeing the hurt that was written on her face. "Listen, Er… I didn't have a choice."

"You didn't have a choice!" she yelled. "You had a choice Jay, you could have told me, who the fuck cares what Voight thought, you should have told me."

"Erin I-"

"You know what, once you man up enough to realize that you messed up, you know where to find me, but until then I am done." She sighed frustratingly.

Jay jumped to his feet to chase after her, but a raised arm stopped him. "Let her cool off." Mouse told him.

"I don't see what the problem is."

Mouse looked at him like he had lost his mind. "You don't see what the problem is? You DIED Jay, we all thought you were fucking dead but you were in fact alive and fucking well, yet you didn't even try to contact us. Now do you see the problem?"

"Mouse, it's not that simple, it's not like I could just pop up and be like 'surprise, I'm not dead.'."

Mouse let out a sigh "I get it man, I really do, just give Erin a chance to process."

"How do you know her so well?" Jay asked suspiciously.

"It's not what you think if that's what you're asking. Erin almost went back down that hole she dug after Nadia died, we tried not to let that happen again."

"What do you mean tried? Will told me she was doing fine."

"It's not as easy as it looks, she's a grown ass woman. She lived with Voight the first few months and then we practically forced her to see , but she grew distant, cold even, she buried herself in cold cases and never looked back."

"I thought she was fine, maybe if I hadn't…"

"Jay, don't blame yourself, you did what you had to do, you took a killer of the streets for christ sake! Just… think of the lives you saved man and try talking to her another day." Mouse said as he walked out of the interrogation room.

Jay sat there, pondering Mouse's words ' _Maybe he's right, I shouldn't blame myself. But I was the one who choose to go undercover.'_ He thought as he ran a hand down his face.

Jay got up and back down the stairs and out the door. ' _The paperwork can wait._ ' He thought to himself as he walked out the door, ignoring the murmurings coming from the people behind. He walked down the street, laying out his life, the case, and events of the day in front of him. His thoughts melting into one as he stopped at a park, sitting down on a bench in the far corner. He glanced around taking in the sounds of children laughing and couples walking by hand in hand on their lunch breaks, he took in the people playing chess at the picnic tables and the college kids throwing a Frisbee, none of them seeming to have a care in the world in that moment. He wished he could be like them, clueless to their surroundings, healthy and carefree. He reached into the pocket of his jacket, pulling out a metal flask, the one that had took away the pain and what he thought kept him sane over the past year and a half. He popped the top and brought the flask to his lips. He was about to take a swig when a hand on his shoulder made him jump out of his skin.

"What the hell!" he yelled as he jumped to his feet, flailing his arms causing liquor to go everywhere.

"Relax kid, it's me." The hand on his shoulder gave a firm squeeze as he pushed Jay back down.

"What do you want Voight?" Jay asked, looking out over the park as Voight sat down next to him.

"How you doin' kid?"

Jay gave him a side glance, "Fine." He told his boss as he gave the flask still in his hand a shake, disappointed to hear nothing inside. "You owe me a bottle of Jim."

"I don't owe you anything, you're the one that choose to go undercover."

"You forced me! So don't give me any of that BS." Jay said, flinging the flask into the dirt.

Voight hung his head, leaning his elbows against his knees as he let out a sigh. "I know that what has transpired is partially my fault, and I will take the blame for my part in it, but you did have the option to say no, Halstead. We could have put Ruzek or Dawson under, but the deaths of the service men became personal and you put their justice before your heart."

"I realize that now, I just… I didn't think it would have been this hard. I've changed Voight, not a week goes by that I don't go back and think of the accident, what could we have done different, where did we go wrong. And then I got reliant on the bottle and… I don't know if I could go back to who I was."

"Jay, you're belittling yourself."

"I don't think I am."

"How did the bust go, I heard this morning they nailed Dobbs." Voight said changing the topic.

"Yeah, the idiot knew we were closing in and decided to make a run for it, he came to me asking for help but honest to god the man was as dumb as a burnt out lightbulb." Jay chuckled. "I still can't believe the man trusted me enough to run his club."

"How'd that go?"

"Ahh, good. When the feds busted the club, they arrested everyone including me, heard they took almost 25 tons of pot, 10 tons of crack, found almost a dozen missing kids."

"Jay I gotta ask, did you…"

"I didn't cheat on Erin and I didn't take anything." He said clenching his fists and raising his voice. "We're there opportunities? Yes, but I would never hurt myself or Erin, I love her too much."

"Does she know that Jay? Listen I've told you before I prefer to stay out of your relationship, but Erin has been in a dark place since you've been gone, has she been drinking? No, but she has thrown herself into her work and she hasn't seen the light of day since you've been undercover. She told me several times how she loves you, and how she wished that you were here and now you are, finding out that you were never gone in the first place? She's confused Jay. Now if I were you I would get off your high horse and go and fix things."

"Where do I start? What do I tell her?"

"Tell her the truth from the beginning, she'll understand eventually." Voight told Jay patting his knee before he stood up and walked on down into the park.

Jay sat there mulling over his thoughts before he let out a sigh and began walking to the one place he could feel comfortable in at that moment. Home.

The building looked normal on the outside, bricks lining the sides for an extended length up. He had drove by here countless times, just to see if he could get a glimpse of her. He did once, Erin and Kim were walking into the apartment as he drove by, he almost stopped, almost blew his cover, but instead he pressed the foot on the pedal to the floor and drove away. He had been in the building earlier that day but now… now he couldn't find the nerve to move.

"Young man, can I help you?" A woman looking like she was in her late seventies asked.

"Uhhh…" Jay said trying to think fast. "Yeah, I left my keys in the apartment and my girlfriend isn't answering her phone so… I'm kinda locked out."

"Oh no worries dear, my Henry done that all the time except we didn't have phones back then and- never mind, you don't want to hear this." The woman said entering a key into the door lock, pulling back the metal door, allowing Jay entry.

"Thanks." Jay said plastering a fake smile. ' _Man up Halstead.'_ He thought to himself as he made his way up the stairs to the second floor.

Jay stood in front of the door, raising a fist, allowing a light knock on the door.

"Go Away Hank." A muffled voice spoke.

Jay let out a laugh, before knocking once again.

"Go the Fuck Away! Do I need to spell it out for you?"

Jay knocked once more.

"Oh my fucking god. I swear Hank you better be dying, actually no, your ass better be in the grave." He heard as footsteps approached the door. "What the fuck do-" Erin was saying as she opened, stopping short as she seen who it was. "Go to hell Halstead." Erin said before slamming the door, much like she did that morning but Jay wasn't about to have a repeat of events, he quickly stuck his boot into the frame, stopping the door from shutting.

"Erin, please, can we talk?" Jay pleaded, still standing out in the hall.

"Jay, I think I've heard enough for the day, I mean what more is there to say?" Erin said, her voice cracking as she turned around to face him.

Jay stepped inside, closing the door behind him. "Plenty, but there was a lot of stuff I left out earlier."

"Like what Jay, like how you couldn't stop thinking about me or how you lost countless nights of sleep because you wished that it was you that died, how about how you wished you could have one last kiss or one last hug, Jay."

"Erin, I… I'm sorry ok, I will spend the rest of my life apologizing to you for what I've done, I understand… I understand if you want nothing to do with me after all of this, but I need to get my side out there, you need to hear how, after I woke up in the hospital, the first person I asked for was you; not Will, not Mouse, but you. I spent night after night, throwing everything I have into solving that case, I wasn't about to let those men's deaths go unsolved and Dobbs walk away scott free, please, if nothing else understand that. Erin, when I was asked to go undercover, I didn't think anything of it, we had just moved here and everything seemed to be going great between us and I thought 'hell, why not?' not thinking or knowing that it would take as long as it did, but then when the last body was dropped, me and Voight sat down and that's when we discovered they all worked or were patients of Dobbs and I was going to tell you that night, really. I don't remember a lot of things that happened before the wreck, just bits and pieces but I do know one thing, after all the shit we've been through, I love you, I love you come hell or high water, I will never stop loving you Erin." Jay said as his voice broke.

Erin turned around, and ran a hand through her hair, as she willed the tears that were forming not to fall, unsure of what to do or what to say as Jay stared at her.

"We're there others?" she asked, taking a deep breath to prepare her for the answer that may come.

"Never Erin, there's only you, it's always been you."

Erin let a sob escape her throat as she turned around, she looked at Jay who was across the room, before she could move a muscle he was next to here, like he always had been. Erin wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him close as Jay's wrapped around her waist. "I love you." She whispered into his tear stained t-shirt.

"I love you." He whispered as he placed a kiss in her hair. "I promise to tell you everything Erin. I promise to make this better."

"I know you will Jay." She smiled standing onto her tip toes, giving him a long kiss on the lips. "Promise me one thing right now though." She said when they finally broke apart.

"Anything."

"Don't get rid of this." she smiled as she joked, grabbing his jaw, thumbing the small hairs that lined his face.

Jay let out a low laugh "Never babe." He told her before he leaned in for another kiss.


End file.
